Silence of the blam-blam-blams

Road grief was really getting on my noyves, so I went to a tranquil nature reserve. A cacophany of university students arrived with a booming, establishment plummy-type - you know, the ones that don’t need megaphones. So that runined the peace and quiet and also the chance of anyone else experiencing something interesting unless you happened to be captivated by the free lecture on scarce horsetails. Then I trod in some of the foulest pet excrement I’ve ever encountered.
Question: What is the point of dogs and where can I puchase a Beretta 9mm M9 semi-automatic pistol - with silencer?

Flying the flag

Everyone enjoying the Euros? Isn’t it fun without England. No sweating on results, no worrying if we’re going to scrape through to the knockout stages, no xenophobic cobblers in the papers, no preening WAGs or players trying to pick positives out of another poor performance.

Nope, I look forward to every game. If I was Capello I’d send the videotapes to the overpaid England boys who aren’t as good as they think they are with the message: “Watch and learn.”

Talking about educashun, here’s a couple more pinched from a popular satirical magazine which don’t exactly do us proud.

Quiz master: What name does Cat Stevens go under now?
Contestant: Abu Hamza.
Quiz master: Was T Rex a carnivore or herbivore?
Contestant: No, a dinosaur.

Never in the field of human conflict

Just read a feature piece about Olympic mascots through history and what the London 2012 cartoon figure might look like. Some bright spark has mailed in and suggested: Whitey, the elephant. John of Melksham that is class and I salute you sir. (Runner-up prize must go to Chavvy the red squirrel.)

Grim times at Troy Towers though. I wrote to the council asking for a fresh undertaking that they would cease hostilities and repeal the parking tax. I have to tell you now that I have received no such undertaking and as a result I am now at a state of war with the f*%^^*** w**&^%$**s.

Anyway fellas until I’m next scrambled, I’m away to the back garden to practice hitting reverse left-handed sixes in preparation for that cricket match later in the summer. If I don’t do my back in again I shall settle down to watch the Austrians poke the Germans in the eye. Up the Germknudels!

Stuff of dreams

Really enjoyed the Simon le Fort/Steve Harley show. They all played out of their skins - fabulous night. Matt was accosted by the theatre police for attempting a live snap but if he succeeded I shall post the illicit photo to give you all an idea of the atmosphere. Good luck to Simon and Dan for the rest of the remaining dates and I look forward with eager anticipation to a new album.

I am currently agonising over whether I should join Man City for £200,000 a week or hang my boots up and pitch for the vacant Chelsea manager’s job. What d’ya think?

I’ve not mentioned the cricket to Ian, the 2-0 series win or the innings victory in the last Test, in case we get slaughtered by South Africa.

Anyway, better dash - I think that’s Abramovic on the other line….

Bright between the showers

Look on the bright side - they haven’t taxed the rain… yet.

And we can look forward to the Euros without agonising over the England performance. I’m not sure what to make of last night’s show though. I suppose it didn’t feel real.

Back in the Shire tomorrow. Be nice to get out into the country for a rural pint.

Back on tour

Apparently the Simon-and-Steve show went down very well at the opening date (which I believe was Southampton). Crikey, it’s suddenly happening!

The nearest venues to us are Cheltenham on 27 May, Milton Keynes on the 4th and 5th of June, and London on the 7th. Get along, you’ll definitely enjoy it.

I’m really hoping I can make the Cheltenham bash if anyone else is interested. I’m sure Matt can furnish us with further particulars - and Simon’s website is www.simonlefort.com.

Those three paragraphs represent the real news so if you can’t stand nature, er, that’s it. For the few of you who like these snippets I have to tell you that I had a blinding day on the moor. I watched a whole gang of hobbies chasing after dragonflies (I counted at least six on one corrner of the fen) and a rather ambitious crow trying to mob one of them but being totally outclassed by a superior flying machine.

I had a good view of a cuckoo - now you don’t often actually get a glimpse those crafty blighters- and heard an elusive grasshopper warbler. Again, not many of those to the pound. I found a few clumps of yellow rattle and ragged robin which sadly are also on the wane. Linnets, turtle dove, reed warbler, reed bunting, sedge warbler, red kite, kestrel, yellowhammer, whitethroat, snipe, tufted duck and lapwing completed a perfect morning. (A selection of pics are now loaded).

If you haven’t dozed off, I shall leave you with another gem from the Dumb Britain column.
Quiz master: Which of the three British armed forces is known as the senior service?
Contestant. The SS.

Better late than never

Finally heard a cuckoo today.

But at least they are more reliable than anyone in the UK with whom you might want to do business. I hate cutting the grass so you can probably guess my mood when a stone accelerated out the back of the mower and through the double glazing. So far I’ve waited a week with one firm and made, ooh I dunno, a dozen calls. Then when you get through they put you on hold til you get an automatic cut-off. If it takes a recession to get these cretins out of circulation then bring it on.

And ask me if the insurance company have sent the paperwork.

Stoats of wrath

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening

Regression

What a fabulous weekend in Hereford - all the right ingredients - plus a rather bizarre visit to my childhood.

Football focus, sausage and mash for lunch, a trip to Edgar Street to watch the game with my pa, and then home in time for Doctor Who. (When did Saint and Greavsie disappear btw?). And then we tried to dredge up all the names of our primary school class. Doesn’t time fly.

Posted up a few pictures from the trip…looking forward to more of the same soon.

THE tour starts soon so I will remind you of the dates shortly.

Surely shome mishtake

I couldn’t find any of us on the Sunday Times rich list - tell me there was a page missing.

Back in the Shire this weekend. Looking forward to it.