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Rooney and Owen scored three between them and Gerrard, James and Joe Cole all played well. Shame it wasn’t in an England shirt. If they don’t want to turn out for internationals, Capello would be better off picking the British cycling squad.

I’m hoping to be back in the Shire this weekend so looking forward to a night out and some walking. Be warned though, the widlife-watching season is back on.

I believe the premiere of And’s new movie is in April, and the end of the month marks the deadline for finishing my book – it’s going to be a close-run thing but I’m more confident than I was a week ago. Then we have the Le Fort/Harley strike partnership to entertain us.

The award for headline of the week goes to the ST: Heathrow expansion will deafen Queen

A couple more giggles with a song theme:

In a little number entitled Lenin on a lampost (Original: 1946)

Gimme the moonlight… (Original: 1921)

(Thanks to J Cheetham of Hertford for Lenin and L Roden of Woodford Green for moonlight)

Business as usual

A quote from a fans’ forum: “Trying to make them play like Italians is like trying to get Sootie to do cartwheels.”

…Yes and without the talent or passion of the Italians or the intelligence of Sootie. I shall say no more.

I believe Steve Harley and Simon Le Fort are playing Cheltenham as part of their UK tour. Sounds like a good one to attend. But I think I’m right in saying there are 47 other dates available. Watch this space.

And from the archives:

I still say Diogenes was offside (original: 1928)

That’s it, no more North Sea oil (original 1905)

Thanks to GM Gittins of Hale Barns, Cheshire for offside and R Gerlls of Ilford for oil.

Knockout jokes

It’s a great shame that the once mighty Punch magazine lost touch with the times – it’s another thing I miss about the 20th Century.

However, I have been reunited with a booklet of cartoons I acquired in 1981 for the princely sum of £2.25. It’s the best 45 shillings I’ve ever spent. Called ‘If the caption fits’ it’s a collection of the best in a series where readers were invited to contribute a fresh gag line for 19th and early 20th Century Punch cartoons. I believe there was a small prize for the weekly winner. It’s a format that has been much copied but never equalled.

It’s fascinating to see how humour has changed in the intervening years. The original captions are often totally incomprehensible.

I will be furnishing you with the occasional gem along with more photos from the archive. I kick off with two of my favourites. Enjoy:

Time for your paper round m’Lord (original: 1939)

What do you mean, I haven’t won this week’s caption competition?! (original: 1921)

(Thanks to M Birch of Grays, Essex for the first and J von Achten of Hadfield, Cheshire for the second – genius.)

News update

Matt called last night to say that his protege Simon Le Fort is to support Steve Harley on the forthcoming UK tour….which is a brilliant result.

Look out for the ads in the national press and a date at the Dome. I’ll post up the details when I know more. Your pre-tour album is also still available on iTunes.

PS: Anyone having technical difficulties? Roisin was saying she can’t see the blog anymore.

Life imitating goat

After a couple of weeks away from base I lost a bit of momentum with the training so had a right beasting on Saturday which resulted in mighty sore thighs.
Then this afternoon I put down the laptop, stood up to make a cup of tea and the left leg said: “Ooh no, I don’t think so,” and gave way. Over I went in a stiff-legged freefall like one of those fainting goats (see video clip below). Good job the furniture broke my tumble otherwise I might have spoiled my dashing good looks
So now I’ve got a sore neck and shoulder for attempting the hair-raising feat of getting off the sofa. I think Danny Cipriani’s place in the England team is safe a little while longer.
Ever had a daft injury? We’d all love to hear.

PS. Anyone know a rich woman I can marry? I’ve heard that someone called Heather Mills is free.

Another country

Great to see some of the Hereford crew even though it was only fleeting.

Most of my visit was spent on field research for my tome – and what an amazing experience.

I met a truly exceptional couple who have revived a tiny, derelict cottage and are trying to make a living from farming 19 acres of rented land with a small herd of Dexters and organic vegetables. They were really friendly and welcoming…but talk about tough. Take a look at their front room and ask yourself if you have the grit to live like that.

They were also able to confirm that a story I had doubted was actually true. Some of you may remember me talking about an old fella who lived out in the sticks and was hidden from society. He didn’t have a birth certificate or NI number, and scratched a living from the land – he had also knocked up some dentures out of sheep’s teeth! He’s now in an old folks’ home but Andy and Jenny told me there were still people like him living rough in the woods and fed by the local community. Sure enough, another couple further down the valley showed me the home of a senior chap who has no running water and no toilet (inside or out), bailer twine for braces etc etc. This is 21st Century rural England, perhaps no more than 10 miles from a substantive town.

It’s a sobering experience to meet people who are existing at the margins of economic viability trying to produce what we all need to survive and yet living next door to the very wealthy who have bought land to enjoy a bit of space.

If I was still a reporter I could have filled the local paper. Why don’t they get these stories? Perhaps they just don’t bother talking to anyone any more.

PS: The livestock issue reminded me of the fainting goats – take a look at this if you fancy a good laugh.

Emperor’s pancakes

Grus gott.

Nicht neu updates because wir auf Oosterreich fahren mit Andreas in sein VW Golf – ein popular Deutsche wagon mit mein freunds, und endless witty comparison spiele.

Ein gut time wie alles geniessen. Ja wol.

Wir schlafen at ein kleine B&B auf Wagrain in back of beyond on einen farm organicken aber ich schlafe nicht wein Steve woke alles die stadt mit sein laut schnorring.

In stark wind, kleine regen und some oder crap wetter wir ski fur zwei gut tags. Andreas und Steve ski sehr gut aber ich ganzlich knackered nach ein morgen. Dann ich habe ein panicky minuten wann mein rucsack straps in der chairlift gestucken. Ja, on mein arse in tief schnee gefallen und Steve lachen all about die piste mit grosse guffaws.

Danke Got fur ein cafe mit germknudel (ja, ja, germ-noodles, he he he – grosse sponge pie mit hundert thousand kalories innenseite). Aber wir Island Monkeys in Grosse Bretagne kann nicht euro verbinden until zusammen euro volk kann ein decent cup of tea machen. Ich Nile wasser preferren – PG Tips, Typhoo etc etc mit frisch milsch – nicht schwach gnat’s pissen.

Komme Samstag, ein grosse howling winden blew up mit regen, donner und blitzen so wir auf Salzburg fahren und despite alles die Mozart hype (Mozart strasse, Mozart haus, Mozart dis, Moszart dat) ich habe ein gut time mit mein freunds. Und dann wir gehen auf ein posh cafe – sehr expensive mit Kylie Minogue-schon-jungfrau von Benny Hill – und wir dreimal wunderbar kaiserschmarren essen. Hmmmm, emperor’s pancakes, mehr pie mit warme plum sauce.

Und dann back to unser besten fancy speisehaus in Wagrain voll innenseite mostly mit Morten’s lot (damen und herren von Danske Land) und oder euro volk – Nederlanders, Deutschlanders, Czechs etc etc aber keine Frogs (quelle surprise) – und musik risque von – ja – Frank Zappa! Bobby Brown no less. How wir alles lachen.

Tschus.