Silence of the blam-blam-blams

Road grief was really getting on my noyves, so I went to a tranquil nature reserve. A cacophany of university students arrived with a booming, establishment plummy-type – you know, the ones that don’t need megaphones. So that runined the peace and quiet and also the chance of anyone else experiencing something interesting unless you happened to be captivated by the free lecture on scarce horsetails. Then I trod in some of the foulest pet excrement I’ve ever encountered.
Question: What is the point of dogs and where can I puchase a Beretta 9mm M9 semi-automatic pistol – with silencer?

Flying the flag

Everyone enjoying the Euros? Isn’t it fun without England. No sweating on results, no worrying if we’re going to scrape through to the knockout stages, no xenophobic cobblers in the papers, no preening WAGs or players trying to pick positives out of another poor performance.

Nope, I look forward to every game. If I was Capello I’d send the videotapes to the overpaid England boys who aren’t as good as they think they are with the message: “Watch and learn.”

Talking about educashun, here’s a couple more pinched from a popular satirical magazine which don’t exactly do us proud.

Quiz master: What name does Cat Stevens go under now?
Contestant: Abu Hamza.
Quiz master: Was T Rex a carnivore or herbivore?
Contestant: No, a dinosaur.

Never in the field of human conflict

Just read a feature piece about Olympic mascots through history and what the London 2012 cartoon figure might look like. Some bright spark has mailed in and suggested: Whitey, the elephant. John of Melksham that is class and I salute you sir. (Runner-up prize must go to Chavvy the red squirrel.)

Grim times at Troy Towers though. I wrote to the council asking for a fresh undertaking that they would cease hostilities and repeal the parking tax. I have to tell you now that I have received no such undertaking and as a result I am now at a state of war with the f*%^^*** w**&^%$**s.

Anyway fellas until I’m next scrambled, I’m away to the back garden to practice hitting reverse left-handed sixes in preparation for that cricket match later in the summer. If I don’t do my back in again I shall settle down to watch the Austrians poke the Germans in the eye. Up the Germknudels!

Stuff of dreams

Really enjoyed the Simon le Fort/Steve Harley show. They all played out of their skins – fabulous night. Matt was accosted by the theatre police for attempting a live snap but if he succeeded I shall post the illicit photo to give you all an idea of the atmosphere. Good luck to Simon and Dan for the rest of the remaining dates and I look forward with eager anticipation to a new album.

I am currently agonising over whether I should join Man City for £200,000 a week or hang my boots up and pitch for the vacant Chelsea manager’s job. What d’ya think?

I’ve not mentioned the cricket to Ian, the 2-0 series win or the innings victory in the last Test, in case we get slaughtered by South Africa.

Anyway, better dash – I think that’s Abramovic on the other line….